Do you have lots of things you’d like to do, yet find yourself procrastinating the best of what life offers? You might not even recognise it, but avoidance is a big obstacle to moving forward after a break up.
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I know someone, let’s call him Paul. Maybe you know someone like him. While he has avoided the worst part of the dating and PUA community by not buying into some of the damaging advice out there, he has one thing which he knows is a barrier to his progress: avoidance.
He wants to talk to girls. That’s a priority right now for him, or at least he says it is. Yet his whole day is spent by doing things which prevent this from happening. And we all do it to some extent. You wake up late, and then decide you should catch up on work first. Then you make lunch.
You should meet up with your ‘community’ friend to go and talk to girls, but first you need to get some things for your new iPad. Then you’re a bit thirsty so you go over to the supermarket for some water. Then you want to go for a coffee.
The hours pass.
By the time you eventually talk to one girl you have spent all this energy on avoiding this from happening.
You’ve totally lost all the momentum you could have got if you had walked outside and spoken to the first girl who you liked. And momentum is massively important.
People kick themselves for procrastinating and avoidance. It lowers their self-esteem, in more direct and also subtle ways. It can be a negative cycle.
How to get off this wheel and onto something more healthy?
There are no clear answers. But becoming aware of the issue is a good place to start.
What are your values and priorities in life? If you find that you’re not setting aside enough time to do the things which you really want to do, then this will create some inner conflict. So the first thing is to be sure about what you want to do and achieve, and set aside the time to do it.
Other things you can do include:
- Take action from the moment you wake up
Do things actively, not passively. Start positive habits. Say ‘hi’ to the first cute girl you see as you leave your home each morning.
Go for a morning jog or do a short workout programme at home.
Find out one extra thing about the girl who you get your morning newspaper or coffee from.
- Do one positive action after – build momentum
What you do here is create positive momentum. Imagine if you’ve already ticked off the most important tasks to do at work, you’ve gone through your most important emails, and you’ve eaten well, you’ve had some health drinks. What are you telling yourself?
If you are treating yourself well, and created some good momentum in the morning, then once you step outside at lunch or after work you are in the right frame of mind to talk to girls, or do whatever your priority is.
Ultimately it really boils down to one thing: taking action. Rather than being worried about what might happen or what you could have done differently, decide in the moment to take action.
What can you focus on now to solve your problem?
Questions to ask yourself
You get out of something what you put in. On a blank sheet of paper write your answers to the following questions:
- What do you want to achieve? Do you have enough time set aside to do this?
- What things do you avoid? How does it make you feel to do this?
- What ‘avoidance activities’ do you do? Can you recognise what you are doing?
- Next time you do some of these avoidance activities, what can you do instead to get you closer to your goals?
Seriously, put pen to paper, and take a step towards being a doer, not an avoider.